Away once in a while…

Did it happen to you? When you wish you can be with the sun as it sets while it bequeaths a beautiful memory? When you wish you can make an impact with your mere existence?

Things are hidden at the deepest predicament of your soul

that you alone know. Just because you have decided to suffer alone.

I typed “Is it normal if you keep on pushing others away from you?” and searched it on google, literally. Well, yeah it sounds crazy but I was there seriously waiting for answers. Then the word “depression” comes on the first feed until the last.

Hate it but yeah, in denial of being depressed; to kill time, I clicked on some articles and surprisingly, had an instant connection with the writers! Different views, different opinion and explanations but has one meaning, a unique and implicit sadness.

A sorrow that cannot be expressed with the right words, a grievance that cannot be felt by the wrong people and a fear that others might experience the same so the ‘alone time’ process is taking place.

There is an unexplainable enjoyment in staring at the walls creating a blank space of peace. Miraculously, it loosens stiff muscles and begets serenity. As if you are in your own world without hearing voices of condemnation, unacceptance and guilt. You cannot directly distinguish if you are capable of feeling anything; Numb, I might say.

And if there’s a thing you wish you can master, that’s repression. That’s being able to exclude distressing thoughts or memories from your consciousness to keep you away from fear. But, I am just at the beginning.

Apparently, it took me several years or almost a lifetime on letting go of my past. Letting go which includes forgiveness, destroying hate and resentment, unleashing bitterness, a step by step learning of not blaming persons, and feeding my mind that I was not a victim.

My manner of retrieving pieces of my wounded past is a disaster. It affects my whole system. And as much as I avoid all its bothering capacities, the pain just goes through my spine and transfer the messages to my blurred mind. A hopeless case of blocking negativities. Looking for a serotonin.

And then again, it happened. When my world turned upside down since 3rd year high school, the danger of remembering agonizing events since Grade 5 popped into my head, poisoned it once more. Exchanging of shouts and accusations, the loud cries and excruciating pain of betrayal, disbelief, hate, anger, resentment and bitterness overwhelmed my soul.

This, others might not know. Because I am a great pretender. I laugh, I smile, I act. But looking at the mirror, I always see failure. Crazy as it sounds but the reality hits me and I was at the rock bottom. It pushes me to be faaaar from others even just for a while because I cope with myself without the intention of hurting others.

In a typical human perspective, it is selfish, unreasonable, pathetic, a weakness. Reasons why I need to get out from people who were self righteous and proclaim they were the great warriors of the universe, Undefeated with pride.

Thus, I rediscover myself and tried to understand what’s really happening inside me, my neurons. Trying to feed it with excitement and optimism!

On a good note, being away reminds me of great things I have avoided and ignored. Things I suggest myself to do.

1. Meditation. A reflection of my deeds  which are against His will.  And to remind me on how far I have been away from Him.

2. Realizing that others suffer from not being able to breathe properly every single day due to some serious diseases and worst case life scenarios and I was just there, staring at the wall.

3. Acceptance of myself and the worst things life has offered me. It cannot be changed. It already happened. I must accept it. It helped me stand still and believed in miracles anyway.

4. Learning to focus on what’s important. My life. Myself. My family. My friends. Others in need.

5. Getting the concern and love from others who are hurting because I was hurt. I don’t deserve any but they made me feel I was worth it. There’s always a place for help, just call a friend. 😀😅

6. Being able to understand why I hate. Why I became bitter. And strictly stopping on blaming myself and others. And I will continue to battle with myself that I became a victim of my own. 💪

7. Start from scratch and build goals.

8. Continuance of giving, serving, seeing good in others, looking at others with hope, and always love others more than they deserve. This, my mantra since grade school, my purpose in life is to serve God and to serve others. God, hold me tight.

9. Not pressuring myself while taking small steps of getting up. The ultimate fulfillment that I know I did was knowing that I influence others with positivity that they can do anything they want if they only believe. Thus, I must apply it to myself. 😂

10. Being selfless. Because this is just who I am. Not to please others but to give what I can give with honesty.

11. Never quit. It’s fine to pause and reflect but never quit.

12. Resist my laziness. 😂

13. Don’t get too affected on what others will say. Have my own decision and just do what I need to do. Honestly, it’s a struggle but is a must.

14. Be myself. Be a better version of me. Without imitating others and competing. I must compete with myself, alone.

15. When you ask God to give you strength; He will give you storms. And that’s how you will learn to sail.

16. Have Faith. Always have faith.

17.Believe and do all these things I have written.

So yeah, this sums up my public explanation why I kept myself from others for a month. 😊 I offer my sincerest apology to those whom I’ve hurt and those who worried.

Dedicated to all those who wondered and those who still wanders about themselves.

You see, sometimes, a person has his own way of coping up. We cope up differently. Just like how a tree in a forest struggles to grow alone, or with others. 😂😣

Until then…

At first, it was easy. All I have to do is think of all his rudeness, lack of effort and my beseech. It’s easy to check my list of his wrong doings. It’s easy to remember all the hurt and heartaches I’ve been through. And I got a bunch of reasons to break up with him.

Thus, I have decided to get his attention for the last moment. This is my chance of proving to him that I will leave him. I posted it on the site of the perfect and self-righteous world of facebook. Then, it has been trending. I feel satisfaction. Atlast, I am free from toxicity.

Without any hesitations I went to different places and focused on me being fine. I avoided all the possible things that might bring him as a topic. Days have passed I know I did the right thing. I believed I was the victim.

But then a sudden pain was felt by my heart. It pierced my soul. His memory was again run through my mind. I was chopping onions and I remembered how he taught me the proper handling of onions. I was cooking chicken and remembered how he loved chicken wings. I remembered how excited and happy I was cooking and preparing a simple meal for him.

A new movie was released for 2017 and I remembered how I tagged him in all yhe movies and wished we can watch it together. I discovered a good band with great guitar skills and remembered how he played his. I saw a picture of a man kissing his girl’s forehead and I remembered how his lips touched mine. 

Weeks had passed all I can see is myself feeling lonely and alone. All I can wish is hug him tight and tell him I’m sorry for giving up on us.

I can remember all the good and wonderful memories we had. How happy I was to sit beside him, eat snacks and watch series. I can remember all the good talks we had, the silence we had, the satisfaction I had with him. I was happy with him.

We fight and had all kinds of conflict but I know how much I can forgive and can do everything to fix what is broken. And even though I want to fix what I have done, I have hurt him badly. And instead of being happy I have just hurt myself for letting my happiness be gone.

I wish I can turn back the time and let him feel that I don’t want to lose him.

I dare you to…

It was a statement of courage, pride and uplifting spirit. With its boldness comes a life changing occurrence.

I dare you to take that pen and write the words you cannot utter.  Type the words you want others to hear without being judged. You, talking to yourself, knowing all the things you can do with your unique ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I dare you to write that bitterness and let it reflect on a masterpiece, a song, a poem even a book. I dare you to compose those words and make an exemplary placebo that will eventually heal your wounded heart.

I dare you to take that watercolor and paint that blank canvass hanging on that wall. I dare you to stop staring and stop believing that your creativity is limited. Make those confusing lines, hanged feelings, not reciprocated effort be a beautiful abstract like no other. A work of art that would show the world how ruined you were, yet as the saying goes;

“Broken crayons still color”.

I dare you to dance. Dance with the rain, dance with your tears. Raise your hands up above like reaching the clouds. Sway those arms showing gentleness and kindness even though you have just fallen. Move freely as you release yourself from self-doubt. You are a masterpiece! Move those legs and jump! Chin up! Make those twirls and twerks! Breakdance!

I dare you to climb mountains when you experience losing a loved one. Let those regrets blend with the clouds and reflect on the things you wished you have done before death comes its way. Let those leg and foot cramps make you tough and strong to manage the worst case scenarios life might bring. Sing with the birds, sit below the trees, smile at the locals, and share your unique stories with everyone you meet. Find yourself with nature and bring that energy back. Make the heavens smile and hope that you can still sit with your love at the peaks, during sunrise.

I dare you to swim. Swim deeper and let that shattered self disappear with water. With all the colorful fishes reminding you how free you can be and how colorful your life may be. Dive from a 10 feet cliff until it becomes 32 feet. You can be strong and fearless as you can be. While taking all the risks, being used by hurtful scenarios yet standing still. Do not be afraid to be drowned by life’s pressure because swimming will always be a good escape.

I dare you to love life.

I dare you to embrace life.

I dare you to be abnormally positive.

I dare you to laugh.

I dare you to love.

I dare you to hate.

I dare you to cry.

I dare you to believe.

I dare you to heal and forgive.

I dare you to become better, a person you thought you cannot be.