I was here, at our favorite spot of the broken hearts and fatty foods, Mcdonalds. I cannot explain my anxiety. What would be the outcome of my miserable decision of seeing you again?
Tapping my shoes, moving from side to side, I can feel that your presence is near. Looking around the street where people passes by, I know in time, I’ll see you there.
I am not sure if I can hold my tears. I am not sure in any of this. I ain’t sure if this will take us to a place where we used to be- being in love.
I used to get mad sitting here for minutes and hours, but this time, it’s different. I am anxious and scared. I fear of being rejected. And I can wait even for a day just to make sure that I’m really prepared.
Well, this rendezvous will be the end of our “What ifs”anyways.
I know that once I see you, my mind will function on its own. I just want you to be yourself and not control any of your emotions. I want to feel you, even if it’s hatred, my heart is widely open for your angst and rants.
I am aware that my heart might melt like ice. If I will loose you for good, I’ll accept it and wait for the right time to be fine.
I was awakened by a dream. It was crystal clear. I felt no fear. My dad was talking to me.
“I’m sorry I was not able to finish the roof, your cats might fall”, as he looked down frowning. I told him “It’s alright Tay, everythings fine”. It was like the usual talk we were having. He was instructing me what to do in the kitchen. I was cleaning it all up and looks like I was preparing the food he cooked.
I noticed that he was trying to clean his left hand for it was stained with dirt. He asked me to give him the zonrox (bleach) across the table but he ended up tooking it anyway. “Let me get it, he said, you might hurt your hand”. Then he poured it on his hand, and some residue of the bleach dissolved a banana on the table. “I told you, your hands are weaker than mine,” he said.
I forgot all the things he said. But I see myself avoiding not to cry. I told him “I miss him”. We went to the living room and he was talking to my brother. Then I put our meal on the floor and table then I woke up.
I don’t know what it meant but I thank God for letting me see Him. I was not able to hug him on my dream. Just like the last days he had on earth. It seems to be a reminder that I need to express my love to my family before its too late.
Thank you Tatay for taking good care of us. Thank you for letting your hands get into the dirt to sustain our needs. Thanks for expressing your love to us by fixing the house, cooking and everything.
I just wish I can see you when that blessed morning comes and hug you tight.
Thank you for everything!