Did it happen to you? When you wish you can be with the sun as it sets while it bequeaths a beautiful memory? When you wish you can make an impact with your mere existence?
Things are hidden at the deepest predicament of your soul
that you alone know. Just because you have decided to suffer alone.
I typed “Is it normal if you keep on pushing others away from you?” and searched it on google, literally. Well, yeah it sounds crazy but I was there seriously waiting for answers. Then the word “depression” comes on the first feed until the last.
Hate it but yeah, in denial of being depressed; to kill time, I clicked on some articles and surprisingly, had an instant connection with the writers! Different views, different opinion and explanations but has one meaning, a unique and implicit sadness.
A sorrow that cannot be expressed with the right words, a grievance that cannot be felt by the wrong people and a fear that others might experience the same so the ‘alone time’ process is taking place.
There is an unexplainable enjoyment in staring at the walls creating a blank space of peace. Miraculously, it loosens stiff muscles and begets serenity. As if you are in your own world without hearing voices of condemnation, unacceptance and guilt. You cannot directly distinguish if you are capable of feeling anything; Numb, I might say.
And if there’s a thing you wish you can master, that’s repression. That’s being able to exclude distressing thoughts or memories from your consciousness to keep you away from fear. But, I am just at the beginning.
Apparently, it took me several years or almost a lifetime on letting go of my past. Letting go which includes forgiveness, destroying hate and resentment, unleashing bitterness, a step by step learning of not blaming persons, and feeding my mind that I was not a victim.
My manner of retrieving pieces of my wounded past is a disaster. It affects my whole system. And as much as I avoid all its bothering capacities, the pain just goes through my spine and transfer the messages to my blurred mind. A hopeless case of blocking negativities. Looking for a serotonin.
And then again, it happened. When my world turned upside down since 3rd year high school, the danger of remembering agonizing events since Grade 5 popped into my head, poisoned it once more. Exchanging of shouts and accusations, the loud cries and excruciating pain of betrayal, disbelief, hate, anger, resentment and bitterness overwhelmed my soul.
This, others might not know. Because I am a great pretender. I laugh, I smile, I act. But looking at the mirror, I always see failure. Crazy as it sounds but the reality hits me and I was at the rock bottom. It pushes me to be faaaar from others even just for a while because I cope with myself without the intention of hurting others.
In a typical human perspective, it is selfish, unreasonable, pathetic, a weakness. Reasons why I need to get out from people who were self righteous and proclaim they were the great warriors of the universe, Undefeated with pride.
Thus, I rediscover myself and tried to understand what’s really happening inside me, my neurons. Trying to feed it with excitement and optimism!
On a good note, being away reminds me of great things I have avoided and ignored. Things I suggest myself to do.
1. Meditation. A reflection of my deeds which are against His will. And to remind me on how far I have been away from Him.
2. Realizing that others suffer from not being able to breathe properly every single day due to some serious diseases and worst case life scenarios and I was just there, staring at the wall.
3. Acceptance of myself and the worst things life has offered me. It cannot be changed. It already happened. I must accept it. It helped me stand still and believed in miracles anyway.
4. Learning to focus on what’s important. My life. Myself. My family. My friends. Others in need.
5. Getting the concern and love from others who are hurting because I was hurt. I don’t deserve any but they made me feel I was worth it. There’s always a place for help, just call a friend. 😀😅
6. Being able to understand why I hate. Why I became bitter. And strictly stopping on blaming myself and others. And I will continue to battle with myself that I became a victim of my own. 💪
7. Start from scratch and build goals.
8. Continuance of giving, serving, seeing good in others, looking at others with hope, and always love others more than they deserve. This, my mantra since grade school, my purpose in life is to serve God and to serve others. God, hold me tight.
9. Not pressuring myself while taking small steps of getting up. The ultimate fulfillment that I know I did was knowing that I influence others with positivity that they can do anything they want if they only believe. Thus, I must apply it to myself. 😂
10. Being selfless. Because this is just who I am. Not to please others but to give what I can give with honesty.
11. Never quit. It’s fine to pause and reflect but never quit.
12. Resist my laziness. 😂
13. Don’t get too affected on what others will say. Have my own decision and just do what I need to do. Honestly, it’s a struggle but is a must.
14. Be myself. Be a better version of me. Without imitating others and competing. I must compete with myself, alone.
15. When you ask God to give you strength; He will give you storms. And that’s how you will learn to sail.
16. Have Faith. Always have faith.
17.Believe and do all these things I have written.
So yeah, this sums up my public explanation why I kept myself from others for a month. 😊 I offer my sincerest apology to those whom I’ve hurt and those who worried.
Dedicated to all those who wondered and those who still wanders about themselves.
You see, sometimes, a person has his own way of coping up. We cope up differently. Just like how a tree in a forest struggles to grow alone, or with others. 😂😣