I am happy but…

Hi! How are you? It’s day 110. It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter. I used to count 17 days to congratulate you for staying with me. Yet now, I’m counting days and nights of waiting for you to knock at my door. Should I stop?

It’s funny that I still want you even though it’s obvious that you’re not interested in me. As the saying goes, you’ll know someone’s interest based on their given efforts. And yeah, it’s clearly concluded that I am hoping for nothing.

In denial that you already have someone new to fill the empty space I have left in your heart, here I am happy yet broken. I never expect that it’s possible to be happy yet devastated at the same time!

I am happy that someone has filled my spot in an instant. I am happy that I know you will do your best not to lose her. I am happy that you have known how refreshing it was to have a new environment and discover what else you can do. I am happy that you will be able to explore and do the things that I haven’t given you the chance to do. I am happy that I was right that you can do these things because I believe you can do so. I am happy that I know you will be happier without any pressure at all.

Sadness is felt because I know I am selfish enough to dream that it was me. I am broken because I wish you did all those things with me. I am in grief because I beg you to do those things. I am sad that I did not give you the chance to express yourself and just let you love me in your own ways. I am sad because I still want you yet I let you go just because I believe you can do greater things without me. I am sad that you did not fight for me and let me feel I was not good enough.

You told me to stop saying it was for me. But I know time will come you will realize what I meant and thank me in your head sooner or later. I have given you so much freedom that you will definitely enjoy.

I understand why you did not try to knock at my door. I understand how you hated me. How you blame me for choosing to let you go and not finding a solution. I understand how you feel at ease as well for being free with my rules, wants, needs and demands. I understand that you won’t utter my name because all you can remember is the pain I have caused you during the break up.

What I don’t understand is the last time we talked. I have given you the chance to tell me everything. I have exerted an effort for us to meet and try to fix everything. You let me feel I still have you, but I was wrong. You hugged me for the last time. It was the first time you hugged me tight in public that lasts within 10seconds that I felt weird. 

And yes, it was the last.  

I have known the answer why you’re gone by the wind after I rode the bus home. You used to wait for the bus to go, but then you were gone. I did not see you. It was you saying goodbye.

Well, I am not blaming you. Just because I know my faults and errs and I won’t be a hypocrite if I tell the world that I did nothing wrong. I won’t blame you for not trying to understand how I try to stand and fix myself after all the storms I am having personally. I was wrong for acting strong that I let you feel I don’t need you. For all those hurtful words and out of nowhere conflicts that you feel like it was always your fault. My way of telling you I need you was wrong. I miscommunicate a lot. That I made you become so afraid to ask how I was.

I wished I replied when I have felt how painful it was for you. I wished I have swallowed my pride. But yeah, it just happened. And I have to accept that our almost 9 years will be good memories.

I just hope tomorrow I won’t cry remembering you. 

Take care and please take care of her.


Away from pretension and facade…

So I decided to deactivate my facebook account for about two weeks from now and I got a lot of different perception on the matter within a certain period of time. I was not expecting that few would make it a big deal while others try to have their own hypothesis based on their theories and own dillemas. Funny how others can definitely look at an act negatively portraying that they were great warriors of the universe. 

I wonder how others try to act like they know your pain. I wonder how others try to put you down with their own speculations while telling themselves to get rid of negative people.  Whilst they were the most pessimist on not being considerate on others. 

I strongly believe that we have our own battles to fight. 

I think, pain cannot be measured with a single tragedy nor with frequent catastrophes.

 However simple it is, it is pain. It might be simple for you but not for others. A prick of a needle might mean phobia to others. 

What am I trying to say?

Instead of pinpointing other’s weaknesses, why can’t we think of an act of simple kindness to give hope to those whom we know are frailty? Why can’t we look at each others eyes and see how magnificent a person can be if only someone would genuinely listen or give him time? Why can’t we let others vent out through painful poems, songs, arts and masterpiece if these are the only way they can cope up? Why can’t we for once be of service to others by just understanding them? Why?

Is it really hard to be kind in your own way? Is it really hard to understand that someone is struggling and needed space? Yes, space. Alone time. Reflection. 

Because sometimes you don’t need judgemental living creatures to pin point your flaws and errs. 

You don’t need to be dictated. 

You need the silence of nature. Sometimes you need the sound of the waves as if it can drown your sorrows. Sometimes you just need to breathe the air outside. You need to stand alone while you try to live life.

Of course, it will not take forever. It is limited and is given a span of time. It will not forever be silent. Once the mind is at peace, the heart will follow and the whole being will be healed.

So please, would you mind listening not to respond but to understand? Would you mind to take a pat on someones shoulder if you feel he struggle? Would you mind smiling at the strangers? Would you mind giving hope? Would you stop pretending you are great and has surpassed life’s greatest battle? 

Would you?

Because if you’re itching to know why I deactivated my account, I don’t have the responsibility to explain it to you in detail. 😂

I dare you to…

It was a statement of courage, pride and uplifting spirit. With its boldness comes a life changing occurrence.

I dare you to take that pen and write the words you cannot utter.  Type the words you want others to hear without being judged. You, talking to yourself, knowing all the things you can do with your unique ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I dare you to write that bitterness and let it reflect on a masterpiece, a song, a poem even a book. I dare you to compose those words and make an exemplary placebo that will eventually heal your wounded heart.

I dare you to take that watercolor and paint that blank canvass hanging on that wall. I dare you to stop staring and stop believing that your creativity is limited. Make those confusing lines, hanged feelings, not reciprocated effort be a beautiful abstract like no other. A work of art that would show the world how ruined you were, yet as the saying goes;

“Broken crayons still color”.

I dare you to dance. Dance with the rain, dance with your tears. Raise your hands up above like reaching the clouds. Sway those arms showing gentleness and kindness even though you have just fallen. Move freely as you release yourself from self-doubt. You are a masterpiece! Move those legs and jump! Chin up! Make those twirls and twerks! Breakdance!

I dare you to climb mountains when you experience losing a loved one. Let those regrets blend with the clouds and reflect on the things you wished you have done before death comes its way. Let those leg and foot cramps make you tough and strong to manage the worst case scenarios life might bring. Sing with the birds, sit below the trees, smile at the locals, and share your unique stories with everyone you meet. Find yourself with nature and bring that energy back. Make the heavens smile and hope that you can still sit with your love at the peaks, during sunrise.

I dare you to swim. Swim deeper and let that shattered self disappear with water. With all the colorful fishes reminding you how free you can be and how colorful your life may be. Dive from a 10 feet cliff until it becomes 32 feet. You can be strong and fearless as you can be. While taking all the risks, being used by hurtful scenarios yet standing still. Do not be afraid to be drowned by life’s pressure because swimming will always be a good escape.

I dare you to love life.

I dare you to embrace life.

I dare you to be abnormally positive.

I dare you to laugh.

I dare you to love.

I dare you to hate.

I dare you to cry.

I dare you to believe.

I dare you to heal and forgive.

I dare you to become better, a person you thought you cannot be.