I am happy but…

Hi! How are you? It’s day 110. It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter. I used to count 17 days to congratulate you for staying with me. Yet now, I’m counting days and nights of waiting for you to knock at my door. Should I stop?

It’s funny that I still want you even though it’s obvious that you’re not interested in me. As the saying goes, you’ll know someone’s interest based on their given efforts. And yeah, it’s clearly concluded that I am hoping for nothing.

In denial that you already have someone new to fill the empty space I have left in your heart, here I am happy yet broken. I never expect that it’s possible to be happy yet devastated at the same time!

I am happy that someone has filled my spot in an instant. I am happy that I know you will do your best not to lose her. I am happy that you have known how refreshing it was to have a new environment and discover what else you can do. I am happy that you will be able to explore and do the things that I haven’t given you the chance to do. I am happy that I was right that you can do these things because I believe you can do so. I am happy that I know you will be happier without any pressure at all.

Sadness is felt because I know I am selfish enough to dream that it was me. I am broken because I wish you did all those things with me. I am in grief because I beg you to do those things. I am sad that I did not give you the chance to express yourself and just let you love me in your own ways. I am sad because I still want you yet I let you go just because I believe you can do greater things without me. I am sad that you did not fight for me and let me feel I was not good enough.

You told me to stop saying it was for me. But I know time will come you will realize what I meant and thank me in your head sooner or later. I have given you so much freedom that you will definitely enjoy.

I understand why you did not try to knock at my door. I understand how you hated me. How you blame me for choosing to let you go and not finding a solution. I understand how you feel at ease as well for being free with my rules, wants, needs and demands. I understand that you won’t utter my name because all you can remember is the pain I have caused you during the break up.

What I don’t understand is the last time we talked. I have given you the chance to tell me everything. I have exerted an effort for us to meet and try to fix everything. You let me feel I still have you, but I was wrong. You hugged me for the last time. It was the first time you hugged me tight in public that lasts within 10seconds that I felt weird. 

And yes, it was the last.  

I have known the answer why you’re gone by the wind after I rode the bus home. You used to wait for the bus to go, but then you were gone. I did not see you. It was you saying goodbye.

Well, I am not blaming you. Just because I know my faults and errs and I won’t be a hypocrite if I tell the world that I did nothing wrong. I won’t blame you for not trying to understand how I try to stand and fix myself after all the storms I am having personally. I was wrong for acting strong that I let you feel I don’t need you. For all those hurtful words and out of nowhere conflicts that you feel like it was always your fault. My way of telling you I need you was wrong. I miscommunicate a lot. That I made you become so afraid to ask how I was.

I wished I replied when I have felt how painful it was for you. I wished I have swallowed my pride. But yeah, it just happened. And I have to accept that our almost 9 years will be good memories.

I just hope tomorrow I won’t cry remembering you. 

Take care and please take care of her.

Melted like ice

I  was here, at our favorite spot of the broken hearts and fatty foods, Mcdonalds. I cannot explain my anxiety. What would be the outcome of my miserable decision of seeing you again?

Tapping my shoes, moving from side to side, I can feel that your presence is near. Looking around the street where people passes by, I know in time, I’ll see you there.

I am not sure if I can hold my tears. I am not sure in any of this. I ain’t sure if this will take us to a place where we used to be- being in love. 

I used to get mad sitting here for minutes and hours, but this time, it’s different. I am anxious and scared. I fear of being rejected. And I can wait even for a day just to make sure that I’m really prepared.

Well, this rendezvous will be the end of our “What ifs”anyways. 

I know that once I see you, my mind will function on its own. I just want you to be yourself and not control any of your emotions. I want to feel you, even if it’s hatred, my heart is widely open for your angst and rants.

I am aware that my heart might melt like ice. If I will loose you for good, I’ll accept it and wait for the right time to be fine.

Dad tapped me…

I was awakened by a dream. It was crystal clear. I felt no fear. My dad was talking to me.

“I’m sorry I was not able to finish the roof, your cats might fall”, as he looked down frowning. I told him “It’s alright Tay, everythings fine”. It was like the usual talk we were having. He was instructing me what to do in the kitchen. I was cleaning it all up and looks like I was preparing the food he cooked.

I noticed that he was trying to clean his left hand for it was stained with dirt. He asked me to give him the zonrox (bleach) across the table but he ended up tooking it anyway. “Let me get it, he said, you might hurt your hand”. Then he poured it on his hand, and some residue of the bleach dissolved a banana on the table. “I told you, your hands are weaker than mine,” he said.

I forgot all the things he said. But I see myself avoiding not to cry. I told him “I miss him”. We went to the living room and he was talking to my brother. Then I put our meal on the floor and table then I woke up.

I don’t know what it meant but I thank God for letting me see Him. I was not able to hug him on my dream. Just like the last days he had on earth. It seems to be a reminder that I need to express my love to my family before its too late.

Thank you Tatay for taking good care of us. Thank you for letting your hands get into the dirt to sustain our needs. Thanks for expressing your love to us by fixing the house, cooking and everything. 

I just wish I can see you when that blessed morning comes and hug you tight.

Thank you for everything!

Until then…

At first, it was easy. All I have to do is think of all his rudeness, lack of effort and my beseech. It’s easy to check my list of his wrong doings. It’s easy to remember all the hurt and heartaches I’ve been through. And I got a bunch of reasons to break up with him.

Thus, I have decided to get his attention for the last moment. This is my chance of proving to him that I will leave him. I posted it on the site of the perfect and self-righteous world of facebook. Then, it has been trending. I feel satisfaction. Atlast, I am free from toxicity.

Without any hesitations I went to different places and focused on me being fine. I avoided all the possible things that might bring him as a topic. Days have passed I know I did the right thing. I believed I was the victim.

But then a sudden pain was felt by my heart. It pierced my soul. His memory was again run through my mind. I was chopping onions and I remembered how he taught me the proper handling of onions. I was cooking chicken and remembered how he loved chicken wings. I remembered how excited and happy I was cooking and preparing a simple meal for him.

A new movie was released for 2017 and I remembered how I tagged him in all yhe movies and wished we can watch it together. I discovered a good band with great guitar skills and remembered how he played his. I saw a picture of a man kissing his girl’s forehead and I remembered how his lips touched mine. 

Weeks had passed all I can see is myself feeling lonely and alone. All I can wish is hug him tight and tell him I’m sorry for giving up on us.

I can remember all the good and wonderful memories we had. How happy I was to sit beside him, eat snacks and watch series. I can remember all the good talks we had, the silence we had, the satisfaction I had with him. I was happy with him.

We fight and had all kinds of conflict but I know how much I can forgive and can do everything to fix what is broken. And even though I want to fix what I have done, I have hurt him badly. And instead of being happy I have just hurt myself for letting my happiness be gone.

I wish I can turn back the time and let him feel that I don’t want to lose him.