I am happy but…

Hi! How are you? It’s day 110. It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter. I used to count 17 days to congratulate you for staying with me. Yet now, I’m counting days and nights of waiting for you to knock at my door. Should I stop?

It’s funny that I still want you even though it’s obvious that you’re not interested in me. As the saying goes, you’ll know someone’s interest based on their given efforts. And yeah, it’s clearly concluded that I am hoping for nothing.

In denial that you already have someone new to fill the empty space I have left in your heart, here I am happy yet broken. I never expect that it’s possible to be happy yet devastated at the same time!

I am happy that someone has filled my spot in an instant. I am happy that I know you will do your best not to lose her. I am happy that you have known how refreshing it was to have a new environment and discover what else you can do. I am happy that you will be able to explore and do the things that I haven’t given you the chance to do. I am happy that I was right that you can do these things because I believe you can do so. I am happy that I know you will be happier without any pressure at all.

Sadness is felt because I know I am selfish enough to dream that it was me. I am broken because I wish you did all those things with me. I am in grief because I beg you to do those things. I am sad that I did not give you the chance to express yourself and just let you love me in your own ways. I am sad because I still want you yet I let you go just because I believe you can do greater things without me. I am sad that you did not fight for me and let me feel I was not good enough.

You told me to stop saying it was for me. But I know time will come you will realize what I meant and thank me in your head sooner or later. I have given you so much freedom that you will definitely enjoy.

I understand why you did not try to knock at my door. I understand how you hated me. How you blame me for choosing to let you go and not finding a solution. I understand how you feel at ease as well for being free with my rules, wants, needs and demands. I understand that you won’t utter my name because all you can remember is the pain I have caused you during the break up.

What I don’t understand is the last time we talked. I have given you the chance to tell me everything. I have exerted an effort for us to meet and try to fix everything. You let me feel I still have you, but I was wrong. You hugged me for the last time. It was the first time you hugged me tight in public that lasts within 10seconds that I felt weird. 

And yes, it was the last.  

I have known the answer why you’re gone by the wind after I rode the bus home. You used to wait for the bus to go, but then you were gone. I did not see you. It was you saying goodbye.

Well, I am not blaming you. Just because I know my faults and errs and I won’t be a hypocrite if I tell the world that I did nothing wrong. I won’t blame you for not trying to understand how I try to stand and fix myself after all the storms I am having personally. I was wrong for acting strong that I let you feel I don’t need you. For all those hurtful words and out of nowhere conflicts that you feel like it was always your fault. My way of telling you I need you was wrong. I miscommunicate a lot. That I made you become so afraid to ask how I was.

I wished I replied when I have felt how painful it was for you. I wished I have swallowed my pride. But yeah, it just happened. And I have to accept that our almost 9 years will be good memories.

I just hope tomorrow I won’t cry remembering you. 

Take care and please take care of her.

Advertisements

Melted like ice

I  was here, at our favorite spot of the broken hearts and fatty foods, Mcdonalds. I cannot explain my anxiety. What would be the outcome of my miserable decision of seeing you again?

Tapping my shoes, moving from side to side, I can feel that your presence is near. Looking around the street where people passes by, I know in time, I’ll see you there.

I am not sure if I can hold my tears. I am not sure in any of this. I ain’t sure if this will take us to a place where we used to be- being in love. 

I used to get mad sitting here for minutes and hours, but this time, it’s different. I am anxious and scared. I fear of being rejected. And I can wait even for a day just to make sure that I’m really prepared.

Well, this rendezvous will be the end of our “What ifs”anyways. 

I know that once I see you, my mind will function on its own. I just want you to be yourself and not control any of your emotions. I want to feel you, even if it’s hatred, my heart is widely open for your angst and rants.

I am aware that my heart might melt like ice. If I will loose you for good, I’ll accept it and wait for the right time to be fine.

Dad tapped me…

I was awakened by a dream. It was crystal clear. I felt no fear. My dad was talking to me.

“I’m sorry I was not able to finish the roof, your cats might fall”, as he looked down frowning. I told him “It’s alright Tay, everythings fine”. It was like the usual talk we were having. He was instructing me what to do in the kitchen. I was cleaning it all up and looks like I was preparing the food he cooked.

I noticed that he was trying to clean his left hand for it was stained with dirt. He asked me to give him the zonrox (bleach) across the table but he ended up tooking it anyway. “Let me get it, he said, you might hurt your hand”. Then he poured it on his hand, and some residue of the bleach dissolved a banana on the table. “I told you, your hands are weaker than mine,” he said.

I forgot all the things he said. But I see myself avoiding not to cry. I told him “I miss him”. We went to the living room and he was talking to my brother. Then I put our meal on the floor and table then I woke up.

I don’t know what it meant but I thank God for letting me see Him. I was not able to hug him on my dream. Just like the last days he had on earth. It seems to be a reminder that I need to express my love to my family before its too late.

Thank you Tatay for taking good care of us. Thank you for letting your hands get into the dirt to sustain our needs. Thanks for expressing your love to us by fixing the house, cooking and everything. 

I just wish I can see you when that blessed morning comes and hug you tight.

Thank you for everything!

Away once in a while…

Did it happen to you? When you wish you can be with the sun as it sets while it bequeaths a beautiful memory? When you wish you can make an impact with your mere existence?

Things are hidden at the deepest predicament of your soul

that you alone know. Just because you have decided to suffer alone.

I typed “Is it normal if you keep on pushing others away from you?” and searched it on google, literally. Well, yeah it sounds crazy but I was there seriously waiting for answers. Then the word “depression” comes on the first feed until the last.

Hate it but yeah, in denial of being depressed; to kill time, I clicked on some articles and surprisingly, had an instant connection with the writers! Different views, different opinion and explanations but has one meaning, a unique and implicit sadness.

A sorrow that cannot be expressed with the right words, a grievance that cannot be felt by the wrong people and a fear that others might experience the same so the ‘alone time’ process is taking place.

There is an unexplainable enjoyment in staring at the walls creating a blank space of peace. Miraculously, it loosens stiff muscles and begets serenity. As if you are in your own world without hearing voices of condemnation, unacceptance and guilt. You cannot directly distinguish if you are capable of feeling anything; Numb, I might say.

And if there’s a thing you wish you can master, that’s repression. That’s being able to exclude distressing thoughts or memories from your consciousness to keep you away from fear. But, I am just at the beginning.

Apparently, it took me several years or almost a lifetime on letting go of my past. Letting go which includes forgiveness, destroying hate and resentment, unleashing bitterness, a step by step learning of not blaming persons, and feeding my mind that I was not a victim.

My manner of retrieving pieces of my wounded past is a disaster. It affects my whole system. And as much as I avoid all its bothering capacities, the pain just goes through my spine and transfer the messages to my blurred mind. A hopeless case of blocking negativities. Looking for a serotonin.

And then again, it happened. When my world turned upside down since 3rd year high school, the danger of remembering agonizing events since Grade 5 popped into my head, poisoned it once more. Exchanging of shouts and accusations, the loud cries and excruciating pain of betrayal, disbelief, hate, anger, resentment and bitterness overwhelmed my soul.

This, others might not know. Because I am a great pretender. I laugh, I smile, I act. But looking at the mirror, I always see failure. Crazy as it sounds but the reality hits me and I was at the rock bottom. It pushes me to be faaaar from others even just for a while because I cope with myself without the intention of hurting others.

In a typical human perspective, it is selfish, unreasonable, pathetic, a weakness. Reasons why I need to get out from people who were self righteous and proclaim they were the great warriors of the universe, Undefeated with pride.

Thus, I rediscover myself and tried to understand what’s really happening inside me, my neurons. Trying to feed it with excitement and optimism!

On a good note, being away reminds me of great things I have avoided and ignored. Things I suggest myself to do.

1. Meditation. A reflection of my deeds  which are against His will.  And to remind me on how far I have been away from Him.

2. Realizing that others suffer from not being able to breathe properly every single day due to some serious diseases and worst case life scenarios and I was just there, staring at the wall.

3. Acceptance of myself and the worst things life has offered me. It cannot be changed. It already happened. I must accept it. It helped me stand still and believed in miracles anyway.

4. Learning to focus on what’s important. My life. Myself. My family. My friends. Others in need.

5. Getting the concern and love from others who are hurting because I was hurt. I don’t deserve any but they made me feel I was worth it. There’s always a place for help, just call a friend. 😀😅

6. Being able to understand why I hate. Why I became bitter. And strictly stopping on blaming myself and others. And I will continue to battle with myself that I became a victim of my own. 💪

7. Start from scratch and build goals.

8. Continuance of giving, serving, seeing good in others, looking at others with hope, and always love others more than they deserve. This, my mantra since grade school, my purpose in life is to serve God and to serve others. God, hold me tight.

9. Not pressuring myself while taking small steps of getting up. The ultimate fulfillment that I know I did was knowing that I influence others with positivity that they can do anything they want if they only believe. Thus, I must apply it to myself. 😂

10. Being selfless. Because this is just who I am. Not to please others but to give what I can give with honesty.

11. Never quit. It’s fine to pause and reflect but never quit.

12. Resist my laziness. 😂

13. Don’t get too affected on what others will say. Have my own decision and just do what I need to do. Honestly, it’s a struggle but is a must.

14. Be myself. Be a better version of me. Without imitating others and competing. I must compete with myself, alone.

15. When you ask God to give you strength; He will give you storms. And that’s how you will learn to sail.

16. Have Faith. Always have faith.

17.Believe and do all these things I have written.

So yeah, this sums up my public explanation why I kept myself from others for a month. 😊 I offer my sincerest apology to those whom I’ve hurt and those who worried.

Dedicated to all those who wondered and those who still wanders about themselves.

You see, sometimes, a person has his own way of coping up. We cope up differently. Just like how a tree in a forest struggles to grow alone, or with others. 😂😣

Until then…

At first, it was easy. All I have to do is think of all his rudeness, lack of effort and my beseech. It’s easy to check my list of his wrong doings. It’s easy to remember all the hurt and heartaches I’ve been through. And I got a bunch of reasons to break up with him.

Thus, I have decided to get his attention for the last moment. This is my chance of proving to him that I will leave him. I posted it on the site of the perfect and self-righteous world of facebook. Then, it has been trending. I feel satisfaction. Atlast, I am free from toxicity.

Without any hesitations I went to different places and focused on me being fine. I avoided all the possible things that might bring him as a topic. Days have passed I know I did the right thing. I believed I was the victim.

But then a sudden pain was felt by my heart. It pierced my soul. His memory was again run through my mind. I was chopping onions and I remembered how he taught me the proper handling of onions. I was cooking chicken and remembered how he loved chicken wings. I remembered how excited and happy I was cooking and preparing a simple meal for him.

A new movie was released for 2017 and I remembered how I tagged him in all yhe movies and wished we can watch it together. I discovered a good band with great guitar skills and remembered how he played his. I saw a picture of a man kissing his girl’s forehead and I remembered how his lips touched mine. 

Weeks had passed all I can see is myself feeling lonely and alone. All I can wish is hug him tight and tell him I’m sorry for giving up on us.

I can remember all the good and wonderful memories we had. How happy I was to sit beside him, eat snacks and watch series. I can remember all the good talks we had, the silence we had, the satisfaction I had with him. I was happy with him.

We fight and had all kinds of conflict but I know how much I can forgive and can do everything to fix what is broken. And even though I want to fix what I have done, I have hurt him badly. And instead of being happy I have just hurt myself for letting my happiness be gone.

I wish I can turn back the time and let him feel that I don’t want to lose him.

Away from pretension and facade…

So I decided to deactivate my facebook account for about two weeks from now and I got a lot of different perception on the matter within a certain period of time. I was not expecting that few would make it a big deal while others try to have their own hypothesis based on their theories and own dillemas. Funny how others can definitely look at an act negatively portraying that they were great warriors of the universe. 

I wonder how others try to act like they know your pain. I wonder how others try to put you down with their own speculations while telling themselves to get rid of negative people.  Whilst they were the most pessimist on not being considerate on others. 

I strongly believe that we have our own battles to fight. 

I think, pain cannot be measured with a single tragedy nor with frequent catastrophes.

 However simple it is, it is pain. It might be simple for you but not for others. A prick of a needle might mean phobia to others. 

What am I trying to say?

Instead of pinpointing other’s weaknesses, why can’t we think of an act of simple kindness to give hope to those whom we know are frailty? Why can’t we look at each others eyes and see how magnificent a person can be if only someone would genuinely listen or give him time? Why can’t we let others vent out through painful poems, songs, arts and masterpiece if these are the only way they can cope up? Why can’t we for once be of service to others by just understanding them? Why?

Is it really hard to be kind in your own way? Is it really hard to understand that someone is struggling and needed space? Yes, space. Alone time. Reflection. 

Because sometimes you don’t need judgemental living creatures to pin point your flaws and errs. 

You don’t need to be dictated. 

You need the silence of nature. Sometimes you need the sound of the waves as if it can drown your sorrows. Sometimes you just need to breathe the air outside. You need to stand alone while you try to live life.

Of course, it will not take forever. It is limited and is given a span of time. It will not forever be silent. Once the mind is at peace, the heart will follow and the whole being will be healed.

So please, would you mind listening not to respond but to understand? Would you mind to take a pat on someones shoulder if you feel he struggle? Would you mind smiling at the strangers? Would you mind giving hope? Would you stop pretending you are great and has surpassed life’s greatest battle? 

Would you?

Because if you’re itching to know why I deactivated my account, I don’t have the responsibility to explain it to you in detail. 😂

I dare you to…

It was a statement of courage, pride and uplifting spirit. With its boldness comes a life changing occurrence.

I dare you to take that pen and write the words you cannot utter.  Type the words you want others to hear without being judged. You, talking to yourself, knowing all the things you can do with your unique ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I dare you to write that bitterness and let it reflect on a masterpiece, a song, a poem even a book. I dare you to compose those words and make an exemplary placebo that will eventually heal your wounded heart.

I dare you to take that watercolor and paint that blank canvass hanging on that wall. I dare you to stop staring and stop believing that your creativity is limited. Make those confusing lines, hanged feelings, not reciprocated effort be a beautiful abstract like no other. A work of art that would show the world how ruined you were, yet as the saying goes;

“Broken crayons still color”.

I dare you to dance. Dance with the rain, dance with your tears. Raise your hands up above like reaching the clouds. Sway those arms showing gentleness and kindness even though you have just fallen. Move freely as you release yourself from self-doubt. You are a masterpiece! Move those legs and jump! Chin up! Make those twirls and twerks! Breakdance!

I dare you to climb mountains when you experience losing a loved one. Let those regrets blend with the clouds and reflect on the things you wished you have done before death comes its way. Let those leg and foot cramps make you tough and strong to manage the worst case scenarios life might bring. Sing with the birds, sit below the trees, smile at the locals, and share your unique stories with everyone you meet. Find yourself with nature and bring that energy back. Make the heavens smile and hope that you can still sit with your love at the peaks, during sunrise.

I dare you to swim. Swim deeper and let that shattered self disappear with water. With all the colorful fishes reminding you how free you can be and how colorful your life may be. Dive from a 10 feet cliff until it becomes 32 feet. You can be strong and fearless as you can be. While taking all the risks, being used by hurtful scenarios yet standing still. Do not be afraid to be drowned by life’s pressure because swimming will always be a good escape.

I dare you to love life.

I dare you to embrace life.

I dare you to be abnormally positive.

I dare you to laugh.

I dare you to love.

I dare you to hate.

I dare you to cry.

I dare you to believe.

I dare you to heal and forgive.

I dare you to become better, a person you thought you cannot be.